HOW I WISH THAT HOCKEY CAMP HAS NEVER ENDED..

just when i get to noe the team better.. im out of it already.. met principal on mon and i was rather agitated.. im not allowed to play for the nationals and well.. i dunno i should be even continuin hockey or not.. huvin the common test re-test right now and i've bio tml.. i dun think i'll do well but think can pass.. feelin damn sad for the past 2 days.. huv been cryin like i nvr did in my whole life and huv been doin some serious considerin for my life.. i think i'll choose to continue one my j2 life and i noe tt i'll huv to put in much more effort so as to catch up and learn the new stuffs as well as revisions.. i dun wanna end up like vincent.. im sorry..

there's a few grp of ppl whom i really dunno how to face each day.. first, the canoein team.. i feel rather weird when i join u guys in the mornin.. it's as if im not wanted there.. w/o u ppl sayin it, i can actually feel it.. anyway.. i understand this type of behaviour as u guys huv already not consider me as part of the team.. some of u still do and im really grateful for tt.. u noe hu u r and well.. maybe i've not known u guys as well as i thought.. i felt quite disappointed some times..

the next grp is the hockey girls team.. i noe tt u ppl still treat me as part of the team and i really appreciate it.. however, i'll still feel some emptiness as u guys huv already been there for almost a yr while i just join recently.. wat's worst, i wun be trg wif u ppl for the nationals anymore.. it brings tears to my eyes everytime i thought of it.. i told myself tt i could do it, supportin the team in other ways, but sometimes i felt helpless.. i'll be cheerin my lungs out for u guys durin this season and i wish u ppl all the best..

since i've entered jc life.. i once thought tt i huv alot of frens and i could go to anyone whenever i like.. i nvr like being stuck to one grp and hence i guess, the friendship being build up within such grps huv became stronger with or without me.. i've always thought tt i was a key figure in any grp i belong to and a special someone who can contribute.. i'm still searchin for the long lost me.. the drum major, vice-president, filled wif leadership and confident me.. issit really tt hard to find?? maybe i've not been cryin for the past few yrs of my life.. in fact i hardly do.. which i guess is the case y i get welled up easily nowadays..

i huv so many ppl to thk in my life tt i'll nvr ever forget u ppl... as i approach becomin 18 this yr... i promise to find tt real joanna back.. but im not sure which is the real me..

i actually dunno wat im bloggin and im just typin my heart out.. it sounds like a last letter b4 i suicide though.. haha.. ok.. im fine.. im just jokin..

there are still things which im lookin forward in my life and there are still things which make me proud of myself and happy. pure happy. without any negative thoughts or too deep thinkin. i guess maybe as i grow up, i tend to think more and sometimes even too complicated.. i hate my parents naggin at me all the time and when the nag for stupid reasons or associations.. i hate it when they associate the things i do to the grades i get or the person i become.. this is wat low education leads ppl to.. it's right to pursue education but u must noe what u want.. im still searchin for wat i wan and im kinda fickle minded.. i hate to be tied down and i wan a job which i dun work at all=im huvin fun. tt'll be pure happiness and joy for me.. but i noe in this reality, in this world.. such things hardly happen..

but i do believe in miracles... im so lucky and glad tt i huv a faith which i follow and at least my direction in life is not too aimless.. i noe tt there's someone there to lead and guide me and maybe im just waitin for the call..

if u ppl find tt this post is too confusin or complicated.. simply just ignore it. i realise tt this is a good source to vent out frustrations..


~in life, it will always make you choose. know what you want and work towards it. there's alot of path in life, choose the one which your gut feeling tells you.~